Monday, October 25, 2010


I would say that just about everyone one of us lives with some sort of secret that we either choose to,or are unable to bring forward and tell anyone else about.
We have all done something or been hurt in some way that we feel we are to ashamed of or think is to embarrassing,to ever bring into the world for another persons ears to hear.
I have always belonged to churches that view confession has an outward expression of our faults and a way,by saying the words out loud,of healing our inner selves.
But even when we do go to confession most of us do not really bring forth things that we are truly upset about or embarrassed by.
And for years,maybe to our death bed,we do not disclose or even trust that God himself could really make us whole.
So our real selves,down to our soul,or pit of the stomach as some people call it, never get brought to the light of day.
We don't understand that saying something out loud can be not only freeing but also healing.
Two days after my 21st birthday,my older brother,who lived in Washington D.C.decided after breaking up with his girlfriend,drinking to much booze and smoking to much dope,to put on a record called "only the good die young",then placed a hand gun to his head and killed himself.
I was devastated because I loved him greatly and could not understand how someone has strong has he was could do this and someone has weak has I was could go on with my life.
To tell you that suicide did not also enter my mind would be lying to you and although one day I decided to drive into one of the great big trees that lined the cemetery route,I had second thoughts,called myself a coward and went on with my life.
6 months after his death I decided to get into a failed marriage,which I knew was doomed from the start,and spent two years being angry and disillusioned but now with a child.
It took me over 20 years to finally decide to myself I needed to forgive my brother for the pain he inflicted not only on himself,but me too.
One day I went to the cemetery and stood over his grave and said "Jerry I forgive you and I love you." I then laid down on the ground near the brass marker,with his name on it,and kissed it.At that point I acknowledged that I would not only still love him but pray for him,even though,knowing in his suicide letter he had denounced God.
When I stood up I felt peace and freedom like a very heavy burden was now lifted,the way I felt when I was 20,able to see a future in my life and move toward it.
We need to bring our issue to the light.
We need to say the words out loud even if only in God ear shot.
The devil wants all thing to stay inside us,eating away and rotting our very personality and being.
He wants us always angry with a chip on our shoulder,ever seeing darkness, but God does not.
God wants us to be a clean slate and understand that he already knows what is eating away at us but wants us to stop and tell him so he can help us heal.
In AA they have a 12 step program.I am told that one of those steps in to tell your story and admit who you are,opening the way for who you can become
I think God is the same way he will help us with our issues once we choose to tell,not just him but ourselves.
Once you unburden yourself you are now free to fill that dark void with light and this is what God wants,but Satan does not.
Come to me all you who are heavy laden,for my yoke is easy and my burdens are light.

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