Last Saturday night our church held a coffee house in the church hall.
We had coffee and pizza and a musician named Mark Bishop Evans,who played the guitar and told us fascinating stories about getting closer to God and his own experience with his past.
Seems Mark had been molested by his Minister step father and spent many years doing cocaine until finally after great paranoia and fear he decided to call on God to enter into his life and help make him whole again.
One Story Mr. Bishop told was how when he thinks of God calling him he sees a great ocean of water so great there is no land.God tells him to come into the water and after sticking his toe in God says "Mark all the way in."
He talks about his fear of running and jumping into the great depths of the water and being engulfed by Gods greatness and his own fear of letting go of his life and letting God have it.
After he told this tale it reminded me of how I see God as a great and shining light.Me on one side of a door and God and his brightness on the other.
The closer I try to get to God the brighter this light becomes.God beckons me to push open the door all the way but every time I try to push the door open a bit more the light becomes so bright I have to close my eyes and close the door again.
In my heart I fear the brightness of this light will be so all encompassing that I will be lost in it and their will be no more of me only Gods radiance.
Basically the whole fear is letting go of myself because lets face it after all these years,for better or worse,I've become pretty attached to me.
So in the end the thought of losing myself in God stops me from opening the door wide and becoming one with the light.
This is my earthly struggle my inability to totally let God take over.My fear he may ask me to do something I am not ready for or prepared for.What if I can't do what he wants will this make me a failure? will God be disappointed in me? will he never ask me to do another thing? What if the voice I hear is not God but my own?
I know these are all illusions in my mind.
The other guy helping me to stay put,don't give in to much,fool my self into not even trying to do what I am being called to do.Basically fearing the unknown
You know in the end as we journey closer to God we have to go farther away from us.We are to become one with the creator and you can not serve two master,God and this world.One must become greater and the other lesser.
We as people are always in a unnecessary spiritual war.Holding the key to our freedom but to afraid to open the lock that chains us to this world.