Feeling Judas

Every year at Holy Week,before Easter,I am always gifted with some form of personal revelation.
Last year it started out with the Ten Virgins ans led up to Christ Cross nestled above the heavens and the earth,like Moses staff raised above his head.
Two years ago it was the sight of a Jewish prayer shawl,on an Icon Stand,that made me desire to know more about Jesus Jewish background.
This year for the first three days,Sunday,Monday and Tuesday,I was in the position of feeling,what I think,was the emotions of Judas Iscariot.
Now I have always empathised with Judas,feeling he was put the position of betrayal,because of his own failed human nature.
On Sunday evening I began to have intense feelings of anger,disappointment and fear.
Every time I entered the church on those days my mind was plagued with self doubt,unforgiveness,jealousy,envy and negative thoughts.
No matter how I would try to shake these intense feelings,they would follow me around from the time I awoke in the morning,then keep me awake for hours into the night.
Though I tried to turn my attention toward more positive,loving thoughts,these same ideas would not only crop up in my mind but intensify and brew.
Praying multiple time through out my day and night for peace,the ideas would not let me go on with my life.
Everything I heard or saw became a personal affront to me and thoughts of leaving my church and faith,played through my mind like a skip on a record.
Why am I here? What purpose does this all serve? Why them and not me? Why am I not a part of this church and faith? Where else can I go and what else can I do?
By Wednesday morning it became clear that I must submit my mind to God and allow what ever was going on to take its full course,not fight or interfere with it.
The answer became clear,no matter how bad or angry I felt inside I must not allow myself to act out rashly or harshly toward those around me.
Just continue to pray and allow the feelings to come and go but do not outwardly react to them.
While at Service on Wednesday evening,whenever the name Judas was mentioned,a feeling of some sort of evil presence,standing near this Apostle washed over me.
That evening while I haphazardly went to confession,thinking nothing would really be gained from this half hearted attempt,an easing started to come over my soul,I went home to intently write an Ode To Judas.
Though it took me three hours to complete,once done a sense of peace washed over my thought process and for the first time in several nights,I slept in calmness.
After Easter it took me several days to unravel all I had just felt,It became clear that God may have allowed me to feel what Judas did,in his own hours of darkness.
I have come away with an entirely different picture of what this man soul went through,the suffering of both his mind and heart.
The point becomes did Judas ever think of asking to be forgiven?
Just feeling bad and sorry does not cut it,repentance and belief does.
It could be he felt what he had done was unforgivable or maybe he was to wrapped up in self pity he did not understand the bigger story,that no matter what you do God will forgive you and make it right.
He will always show you your way out of hell,if you choose it.
The Devil may keep telling you that you are too bad for God love,but you are not.
The Prodigal Son learned this lesson when he decided to be humble and repentant,going to ask his father to forgive him and expecting nothing out of it but to be treated like a servant,not a son.
We are never so bad that God will turn us away if we are honest with him.
Basically we judge ourselves more harshly then God ever will and unlike Him,we never forgive ourselves as well as he does.
We are our own personal demon of the mind.