Last night a friend and I went to see the movie Charlie St.Cloud.
Basically it was the story of 2 brothers,one a Senior in high school and one a 10 year old,who have a special close relationship to each other.
The mother,a nurse,has to work allot of hours to support the boys so the oldest,Charlie spends time taking care of the younger brother.
Charlie graduates fron High School and is getting ready to go off to college but promises his brother that before he goes he will meet him in the woods, and play ball with him every day for an hour, until school starts.
One night while both boys are in a car they are hit by a drunk driver,while in the ambulance charlie flat lines and is brought back but his brother does not make it.
At the grave site service, charlie sees his younger brother and follows him into the woods and for the next seven years charlie goes to the woods everyday to play catch with his brother.
Charlie works at the grave yard as a care taker and does not go to college.he surrounds him self with his deceased brothers boxes of things and can never let go of any of it.
Suddenly charlie meets a girl and is torn between being with his brother spirit or being a part of the world and going on with his life.
Of all the people I have lost in my life I think the hardest thing is to let go and move on.We always want these people near us and the grief of letting go can be more difficult then moving forward.
Sometimes we just don't feel we can move on especially if the person is a young child or suicide victum.
We carry the guilt of their loss like luggage thinking we are doing honor to their memory when all the time we are to afraid to move forward and live our lives.
How do you live on when things are not closed between you and that person.A wrong may not have been righted,a word or action done in anger and goodbyes left unsaid.
We are trying to live with the dead.We lose the fact that we are here for a reason and to go forward is a way of truly remembering that person.
When my mother died it was very devastating to me,she was my best friend and I did not know how I could possibly live with out her guidance.Who could I talk to about my issues,problems and joys?
One night when I was asleep I had a dream about her,I was very upset and kept telling her "how could you have a reception and not invite me?" She kept trying to tell me it was not my time but I continue to argue with her.My brother,who had passed away some 20years before was sitting next her and I said"Oh you invited Jerry but not me how could you do that?" she said "you were at work" to which I said "I would have left.All you had to do was tell me and I would have come to you." She then said "you don't understand you have work to do and its not your time."
Thats was when I realized it was time to move forward and live my life until it was my time. Hopefully I will do much and not allow the shadows of the past to drag me into their lives.Instead I hope to bring their light into my life and the world until it is my time.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Battlefield Of The Mind
In the past two days I have resolved to pay attention to my negative thought patterns,especially were others are concerned.
I can not tell you the number of times I catch myself thinking critical,negative things about those around me.
Total strangers can stand near me and thoughts come to mind like how could they wear their hair like that? or dress in those clothes? Be so rude? be terrible with their children and so on.
This morning I resolved that when ever these thoughts come to my mind I will try and say something nice in my mind about this person then follow it with a simple prayer for them.
The mind can be a battle field and I must tell you today felt like a war zone.Every time I caught myself thinking negative thoughts about others I would try to follow my above routine.
By 5 pm in the afternoon I had had it.Not only was my head tired but my brain felt like a sore over used muscle.
All these corrections got me to thinking tonight just what a battle with the devil this is turning out to be and how this is going to take some real concise work on my part.
Now I know this is going to take more then one day and will need to be repeated until the habit breaks but I try to remember that all negative things are not of God.
Between you and me I must say that I did have one break through.
My husband and I were in the subway station in Boston today,trying to catch the T to get back to the lot where we parked our car.
There was a man,elderly and dirty looking, sitting up against a trash can playing his harmonica,the same song over and over.
Normally this would set my brain off thinking what a bum,why do the police let this thing happen? But instead I reached into my wallet pulled out a dollar and put it in his bucket and went back to standing waiting for the train.
Someone,walking by,threw something in the trash can but it fell over the top and landed in this mans' bucket.
At that moment I took the time to really look at this person face and thought "God help this poor man" then climbed the steps of the train and sat in my seat.
So in the end I got to walk away from a situation feeling better about what I had done and that no matter what this man does with his money it has no bearing on me .
Plus I was not judgemental about his appearance and felt pity for some one in need.
Now I know this will have to be a daily purposeful thought process but if I can correct even one wrong thought with a positive helpful one then maybe this battle of the mind will become easier and easier.
I can not tell you the number of times I catch myself thinking critical,negative things about those around me.
Total strangers can stand near me and thoughts come to mind like how could they wear their hair like that? or dress in those clothes? Be so rude? be terrible with their children and so on.
This morning I resolved that when ever these thoughts come to my mind I will try and say something nice in my mind about this person then follow it with a simple prayer for them.
The mind can be a battle field and I must tell you today felt like a war zone.Every time I caught myself thinking negative thoughts about others I would try to follow my above routine.
By 5 pm in the afternoon I had had it.Not only was my head tired but my brain felt like a sore over used muscle.
All these corrections got me to thinking tonight just what a battle with the devil this is turning out to be and how this is going to take some real concise work on my part.
Now I know this is going to take more then one day and will need to be repeated until the habit breaks but I try to remember that all negative things are not of God.
Between you and me I must say that I did have one break through.
My husband and I were in the subway station in Boston today,trying to catch the T to get back to the lot where we parked our car.
There was a man,elderly and dirty looking, sitting up against a trash can playing his harmonica,the same song over and over.
Normally this would set my brain off thinking what a bum,why do the police let this thing happen? But instead I reached into my wallet pulled out a dollar and put it in his bucket and went back to standing waiting for the train.
Someone,walking by,threw something in the trash can but it fell over the top and landed in this mans' bucket.
At that moment I took the time to really look at this person face and thought "God help this poor man" then climbed the steps of the train and sat in my seat.
So in the end I got to walk away from a situation feeling better about what I had done and that no matter what this man does with his money it has no bearing on me .
Plus I was not judgemental about his appearance and felt pity for some one in need.
Now I know this will have to be a daily purposeful thought process but if I can correct even one wrong thought with a positive helpful one then maybe this battle of the mind will become easier and easier.
Sweet William
In 2001 the building I worked in was closing its doors and I decided to move over to one of this companies other Nursing Homes.
When I started there I meet Mary who was to be my new nurse and she and I became friends very quickly.
Mary had been married to Bob for many years they had three children and he was a seven days Adventist teacher,principle and minister.So they spent many years moving from school to school and church to church where ever the need was greatest for his services.
Their children had grown and as life does they grew apart,Mary wanting to just settle down in one place and Bob wanting to continue pursuing his teaching and preaching lifestyle.
Since their oldest daughter now lived in Thompson,ct with her children,Mary decided to move back north and do her nursing at a near by Nursing home in Webster,Mass.
One day while we where working Mary mentioned to me that she and a male friend,who was also an Adventist principle,were about to break up.With him living in Maryland the long distance relationship was not working out and she was tired of being alone.
I amusingly said "Mary you sure do like school teachers don't you?" to which she laughed and agreed.
I told her "you know my husband brother teachers the 6th grade,is about your age and also has children you own children's age,would you be interested in meeting him?"
To my surprise she agreed and when I got home I spoke to my husband Vic and aked him to work it out so Bill and Mary could meet.
They went out on one date and Bill,being very shy found it rather nice to be with some one has full of life as Mary.
Several weeks later Bill stopped by our house to pick something up and asked if I thought Mary would want to see him again,I knew she would and passed the information on to him.
To make a long story some what shorter they have now been together for 9 years and at Mary daughter,Karen,recent wedding,she had her father as the minister to do her ceremony and Bill,whom she affectionately calls Sweet William,walk her down the aisle.
Funny how things turn out. When I introduced Bill to Mary I though I was getting two lonely people together but instead I ended up giving them each a family complete with sons and daughters,grandchildren and in-laws.
Each seemed to have gained something they needed and as for me this is the first and last couple I have ever played match maker for and think I will quit while I'm ahead.
When I started there I meet Mary who was to be my new nurse and she and I became friends very quickly.
Mary had been married to Bob for many years they had three children and he was a seven days Adventist teacher,principle and minister.So they spent many years moving from school to school and church to church where ever the need was greatest for his services.
Their children had grown and as life does they grew apart,Mary wanting to just settle down in one place and Bob wanting to continue pursuing his teaching and preaching lifestyle.
Since their oldest daughter now lived in Thompson,ct with her children,Mary decided to move back north and do her nursing at a near by Nursing home in Webster,Mass.
One day while we where working Mary mentioned to me that she and a male friend,who was also an Adventist principle,were about to break up.With him living in Maryland the long distance relationship was not working out and she was tired of being alone.
I amusingly said "Mary you sure do like school teachers don't you?" to which she laughed and agreed.
I told her "you know my husband brother teachers the 6th grade,is about your age and also has children you own children's age,would you be interested in meeting him?"
To my surprise she agreed and when I got home I spoke to my husband Vic and aked him to work it out so Bill and Mary could meet.
They went out on one date and Bill,being very shy found it rather nice to be with some one has full of life as Mary.
Several weeks later Bill stopped by our house to pick something up and asked if I thought Mary would want to see him again,I knew she would and passed the information on to him.
To make a long story some what shorter they have now been together for 9 years and at Mary daughter,Karen,recent wedding,she had her father as the minister to do her ceremony and Bill,whom she affectionately calls Sweet William,walk her down the aisle.
Funny how things turn out. When I introduced Bill to Mary I though I was getting two lonely people together but instead I ended up giving them each a family complete with sons and daughters,grandchildren and in-laws.
Each seemed to have gained something they needed and as for me this is the first and last couple I have ever played match maker for and think I will quit while I'm ahead.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Perception
How do you perceive things?
Are you a sight person,sound person or thought person.
Two people can view an accident or arguement and come away with two totally different ideas of what happened.
What you saw or heard may be very different from what I did.
I was once told there are three sides to every story.your side,my side and the real side.
This does in our perpectives.
I has always amazed me how the 12 apostles,men who not only spent three years living,eating and being taught by Jesus,himself... the son of God,could walk away
go into the world and teach in totally different ways.
Each precieved what they were taught and although they basicaly got it right they all taught in different styles to different groups of people.
The gosples show this.
Are you a sight person,sound person or thought person.
Two people can view an accident or arguement and come away with two totally different ideas of what happened.
What you saw or heard may be very different from what I did.
I was once told there are three sides to every story.your side,my side and the real side.
This does in our perpectives.
I has always amazed me how the 12 apostles,men who not only spent three years living,eating and being taught by Jesus,himself... the son of God,could walk away
go into the world and teach in totally different ways.
Each precieved what they were taught and although they basicaly got it right they all taught in different styles to different groups of people.
The gosples show this.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
News From A Friend
What do you do when you find out a friend,whom you have known for quite some time,may have a very terrible disease?
Today one of my friends whom,I went to nursing school with,is looking at the possibility of having something very bad.
It all started 2 weeks ago when she was walking through the parking lot at work and for what seemed like no reason fell to the ground.Thinking her self clumsy she got up and showed me her knee.
Neither of us thought much but we applied some ice and she took some Tylenol and we continued with our day.
Last week she was leaving for work when she felt dizzy and funny,she called an ambulance went to Worcester and was told she had possible vertigo but they would do a ct scan just to be safe and sent her home with some medicine to help her dizziness.
When she came in the next day I gave her a big hug and told her everything would be alright and she needed to take life a little easier since she can be a workaholic.
Today she told me that some of the xrays may be questionable and she would have to go and have more test done.
I offered to go with her on her appointments if it where on any of my days off and encouraged her not to put the cart before the horse to wait for the test results.
Now I can tell you being nurses in this situation is never a good thing.Knowing the test they want to do,the questions they are asking and what the out come may be not to mention how one would have to spend the rest of their life with such a sickness is just plain scary.
Its never a good thing to know to much,some times ignorance can be bliss.
Monday is the start of her vacation and I have made it clear to her that I think she and I need to go to chili's resturant have some food and a few Margaretta's.
Times like this make me wonder why things happen in my life and why I'm where I am.I know that nothing ever happens for no reason and here I am. Now how do I be her support if this does not turn out well?
Today one of my friends whom,I went to nursing school with,is looking at the possibility of having something very bad.
It all started 2 weeks ago when she was walking through the parking lot at work and for what seemed like no reason fell to the ground.Thinking her self clumsy she got up and showed me her knee.
Neither of us thought much but we applied some ice and she took some Tylenol and we continued with our day.
Last week she was leaving for work when she felt dizzy and funny,she called an ambulance went to Worcester and was told she had possible vertigo but they would do a ct scan just to be safe and sent her home with some medicine to help her dizziness.
When she came in the next day I gave her a big hug and told her everything would be alright and she needed to take life a little easier since she can be a workaholic.
Today she told me that some of the xrays may be questionable and she would have to go and have more test done.
I offered to go with her on her appointments if it where on any of my days off and encouraged her not to put the cart before the horse to wait for the test results.
Now I can tell you being nurses in this situation is never a good thing.Knowing the test they want to do,the questions they are asking and what the out come may be not to mention how one would have to spend the rest of their life with such a sickness is just plain scary.
Its never a good thing to know to much,some times ignorance can be bliss.
Monday is the start of her vacation and I have made it clear to her that I think she and I need to go to chili's resturant have some food and a few Margaretta's.
Times like this make me wonder why things happen in my life and why I'm where I am.I know that nothing ever happens for no reason and here I am. Now how do I be her support if this does not turn out well?
Monday, August 2, 2010
Garments And Hems
Today while reading Mathew 14 verse 34 to 36 it said:
"When they had crossed over(by boat both Jesus and the apostles),they came to the land of Gennesaret.
And when the men of that place recognized him,they sent out into all the surrounding region,brought to him all who were sick,
and begged him that they might touch only the hem of his garment.
And as many as touched it were made perfectly well."
I have been reading up on Mathew and it seems he was very Jewish in his faith and tries to link the things Jesus does with the Old Testament to find fulfillment through Jesus.
While I read these verses it struck me that in many stories,both Old and New Testament,that garments and hems get mentioned a great deal.
Healing's happen when Jesus hem gets touched by not just these people but also the woman who was bleeding for many years.
As I began to think about Moses he was told by God not just how to set up the alter but also the vestments the priests will wear.
He pays particular attention to the edging and hems of their garments talking about pom poms made like pomegranates even what color the pom poms should be,everything in great detail.
I remember reading that to this day men from the Jewish faith wear a sort of tee shirt with tassels on the ends in certain colors signifying certain things.Great detail is placed in the number of strands and how they are tied.
Everything on these shirts mean something.
Fr. Peter has told me several times the importance of even the hem of a robe and how people in the Orthodox Christian faith will kiss the hem of a priest garment in reverence,not to the priest,but to God.
The colors of the garments signify certain times of the year and feast days.They are elaborately colored and fine because it is to be in the glory of Jesus not the glory of the person wearing it.When we are in church we are in the presence of God and as such it should be as if having a king in ones palace.
We don't tend to make much out of a garments' hem.It is usually rather plain with no real meaning unless we are dressed in our finest of clothes and there may be some lace or trim on it,especially women's clothes.
But God seems to be a very detailed person it seems he finds beauty in not just the top of the garment but the edges and the bottom.
Nothing is to simple for him.
I got to thinking maybe God does this because he wants us to understand that in our church family the top is no anymore glorified then the bottom.
The Patriarch who is near the top,or neckline,is no more revered or beautiful then say the least of the people sitting in the church or in the streets.
We in Gods' sight are all beautiful in color and glory and brilliance.
The entire garment is beautiful and the trim adds to the glory of God be it on the bottom or on the top.
God and Jesus are the heads of the church and we his beautiful spectacular garment make up the royalty of what he chooses to wears.
We are some thing he is proud to put on,like a king in a robe trimmed with Ermin along the edges and bottom,sewn in as one gleaming for all the universe to admire.
"When they had crossed over(by boat both Jesus and the apostles),they came to the land of Gennesaret.
And when the men of that place recognized him,they sent out into all the surrounding region,brought to him all who were sick,
and begged him that they might touch only the hem of his garment.
And as many as touched it were made perfectly well."
I have been reading up on Mathew and it seems he was very Jewish in his faith and tries to link the things Jesus does with the Old Testament to find fulfillment through Jesus.
While I read these verses it struck me that in many stories,both Old and New Testament,that garments and hems get mentioned a great deal.
Healing's happen when Jesus hem gets touched by not just these people but also the woman who was bleeding for many years.
As I began to think about Moses he was told by God not just how to set up the alter but also the vestments the priests will wear.
He pays particular attention to the edging and hems of their garments talking about pom poms made like pomegranates even what color the pom poms should be,everything in great detail.
I remember reading that to this day men from the Jewish faith wear a sort of tee shirt with tassels on the ends in certain colors signifying certain things.Great detail is placed in the number of strands and how they are tied.
Everything on these shirts mean something.
Fr. Peter has told me several times the importance of even the hem of a robe and how people in the Orthodox Christian faith will kiss the hem of a priest garment in reverence,not to the priest,but to God.
The colors of the garments signify certain times of the year and feast days.They are elaborately colored and fine because it is to be in the glory of Jesus not the glory of the person wearing it.When we are in church we are in the presence of God and as such it should be as if having a king in ones palace.
We don't tend to make much out of a garments' hem.It is usually rather plain with no real meaning unless we are dressed in our finest of clothes and there may be some lace or trim on it,especially women's clothes.
But God seems to be a very detailed person it seems he finds beauty in not just the top of the garment but the edges and the bottom.
Nothing is to simple for him.
I got to thinking maybe God does this because he wants us to understand that in our church family the top is no anymore glorified then the bottom.
The Patriarch who is near the top,or neckline,is no more revered or beautiful then say the least of the people sitting in the church or in the streets.
We in Gods' sight are all beautiful in color and glory and brilliance.
The entire garment is beautiful and the trim adds to the glory of God be it on the bottom or on the top.
God and Jesus are the heads of the church and we his beautiful spectacular garment make up the royalty of what he chooses to wears.
We are some thing he is proud to put on,like a king in a robe trimmed with Ermin along the edges and bottom,sewn in as one gleaming for all the universe to admire.
Ain't Nobody's Business
Saturday evening while at my friends wedding reception,there was an older woman dancing to the music of most of the songs being played.
Swaying back and forth and moving around slowly just enjoying herself and the music.
The D.J.,who was a character,put on a Michael Jackson type black hat,pulled it over his eyes and nose and played the song "Ain't nobodies business".He then proceeded to dance and do moves like Michael Jackson all around the woman,who was a great sport,and kept on her slow dancing while he danced around and up and down her.
At the end of the song he danced in circles around her,faced the people watching wagging his finger during the part that says "ain't nobody's business but mine and my baby's"
When the song ended he got down on his knees,put his arms around her thighs and lifted her up in the air and turned her around several times,then gave her a big kiss on the cheek for being his partner.
We all had a great big laugh and it was the hit of the party,something we will always remember.
This morning while reading Acts,in the bible, I came across the part that talks about how we are not to make people conform to our rules but allow them to conform to the rules between them and God.
Dogma does not change but rules,like what to eat and not eat are personal.If we make the rules more important then the relationship to God and cause that person to lose faith and stumble then we are at fault.
Paul says "who are you to judge another mans servant."
At that point I began to think of the song I heard "ain't nobody's business but mine and my baby's" and thought funny how those two things go together.
We are all made differently.How I choose to be near God is probably very different from you.Just because I do not conform to a very rigid church code does not mean I do not have a very close and faithful relationship with God.
Only he can judge me because only he understands me.
I have come to realize that tolerance over the small things is what wins people over.To force someone to conform to your rules and regulations as you see them,could put a person in the postion to offend and fall away from God.
Dogma is important and never changes but general rules are bendable and made for guidance.Jesus says that "Rules were made for man but man was not made for rules."
So the next time I want to rush to judgement about fasting or prayer I need to take the time to understand that my relationship to God is not yours and its not my business how you choose to do things.
In the end we will both fall or stand in the eyes of God.
You will be judged and so will I but on our own merits,not on each others.
Swaying back and forth and moving around slowly just enjoying herself and the music.
The D.J.,who was a character,put on a Michael Jackson type black hat,pulled it over his eyes and nose and played the song "Ain't nobodies business".He then proceeded to dance and do moves like Michael Jackson all around the woman,who was a great sport,and kept on her slow dancing while he danced around and up and down her.
At the end of the song he danced in circles around her,faced the people watching wagging his finger during the part that says "ain't nobody's business but mine and my baby's"
When the song ended he got down on his knees,put his arms around her thighs and lifted her up in the air and turned her around several times,then gave her a big kiss on the cheek for being his partner.
We all had a great big laugh and it was the hit of the party,something we will always remember.
This morning while reading Acts,in the bible, I came across the part that talks about how we are not to make people conform to our rules but allow them to conform to the rules between them and God.
Dogma does not change but rules,like what to eat and not eat are personal.If we make the rules more important then the relationship to God and cause that person to lose faith and stumble then we are at fault.
Paul says "who are you to judge another mans servant."
At that point I began to think of the song I heard "ain't nobody's business but mine and my baby's" and thought funny how those two things go together.
We are all made differently.How I choose to be near God is probably very different from you.Just because I do not conform to a very rigid church code does not mean I do not have a very close and faithful relationship with God.
Only he can judge me because only he understands me.
I have come to realize that tolerance over the small things is what wins people over.To force someone to conform to your rules and regulations as you see them,could put a person in the postion to offend and fall away from God.
Dogma is important and never changes but general rules are bendable and made for guidance.Jesus says that "Rules were made for man but man was not made for rules."
So the next time I want to rush to judgement about fasting or prayer I need to take the time to understand that my relationship to God is not yours and its not my business how you choose to do things.
In the end we will both fall or stand in the eyes of God.
You will be judged and so will I but on our own merits,not on each others.
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